Never in my life did I think I will marry someone this early.
For me, marriage is probably a scariest decision that any of us make.
1. How if I could not able to pursue my dreams? I will lose myself in someone else. Oh please, there is still so many things in my bucket list! 2. I might be still bad at taking care of myself. How could I have such a superpower ability to be able taking care of my family?
I even talked to myself and the mirror:
"Hi my future husband, just marry me at around 25 years old. Let me achieve my beautiful bucket list before I will be 24/7 on duty as your wife".
***
So, back to the main story... Why did I suddenly change my mind?
PART 1: A SHIFTING PERSPECTIVE OF MARRIAGE
Long story short, those fears start to disappear as I get to know someone (ya you know lah ya).
It's crazy, but believe me, it's true. Let me tell you how it happened by getting back to the main reasons why I used to be scared of getting married.
1) How if I could not able to pursue my dreams? I will lose myself to someone else. Oh please, there is still so many bucket list I would like to achieve
"I could not go around the world, as I wish. He might not like me to travel a lot."
"I still would do my best in my career. He might wish me to stay at home, taking care of the family."
"There is so many things in my bucket list, will he let me achieve these?"
Those whispers are real and always comes to my mind every time I think about Marriage.
However, it changed when I first time randomly shared my crazy travel ideas to him. He surprisingly lives my dream and shares the same excitement with those ideas. We even get more excited as we talked the same bucket list to achieve, such as:
- Navy Swing in New Zealand - All Rides in Six Flags - Most importantly, Skydiving in UEA.
Crazy, huh? But, I'm super excited! It feels like those dreams are coming to you.
Another story, I would surprised with how he perceives myself, my ambitions, and my career.
As you may know, Viani is a girl that has a big ambition on what she's doing. It's weird when I know I felt naturally comfortable to share with him what I envision about my life. Back then, I prefer do not talk about it, as I'm worried that most of the boys would definitely scared of me for being too superior.
Again, surprisingly, he sees my ambitions & my thinking process differently. He never sees my ambition as something that holds him back. Instead, he accepted the challenge to help me even get close to those ambitions. He did not just say "Okay, you can go for your dreams", but he literally helps me by taking part in every step that I need.
"Aku tuh tau kamu bukan yang bisa diem di rumah. Kamu tuh harus dikasih space buat ngerjain hal yang kamu passionate banget. Bisa mati kamu diem di rumah aja."
And yup, I could say he is the one that I can rely on for my personal development. He is my career coach, the one that guide me to unleash my potential. He is also the one that always appreciate my achievement no matter how little it is.
In short, I could say that finding him would pretty much like finding a gold in the desert. It's probably hard to find someone that could do some fun with you, appreciate you just the way you are, while at the same time could help you to be a better version of yourself.
Right after getting to know him, I could see a bigger picture of marriage. Marriage is not about sacrificing your dream, but instead findings someone to share those beautiful dreams and move towards them together.
2) I might be still bad at taking care of myself. How could I even have such a superpower ability to be able taking care of my family?
Recalling the time he proposed to me, I asked kind of stupid question,"Why could you be so assured to marry me?"
I remember that he ever once told me that he will never marry anybody because he was just f*cked up with all woman's drama (LOL)
I was so curious when he suddenly changed his mind.
Viani can't cook
Viani can't even tie a bow.
At worst, she may even struggle at managing herself.
More or less, I see my self as a childish daddy little girl.
So, I started to wonder, "What things did actually catch his attention?"
And he said,
"Yang kaya gitu bukan hal yang penting. Masak dll itu bisa belajar, lagian udah ada g*food juga. Aku tuh yakin nikah sama kamu karena aku liat kamu sebagai orang yang bisa aku ajak berkembang. Dan kamu tuh pembawaannya aja yang kaya gitu, pemikiran kamu gak childish kok. Kamu bisa diajak susah senang bareng dan bisa sama-sama belajar. Istri itu yang diliat bukan skillnya tapi kepribadian dan pola pikirnya. You don't have to worry those little unimportant things, let us learn together. Because skill is only about timing."
As the conversation continues, it's relief to know that we agree about how we envision about family life. We will live our life, we will play our roles without losing ourselves. There are no such common rules of "husband vs wife duty" in our little family. More importantly, he also value learning process which mean you can't simply judge me to not ready for marriage only because of the skill.
This idea also remind me how actually marriage is just a beginning of your maturity process. I once read a book called "The defining decade". It talks about how we should optimize our 20s moment because what you do in 20s will define your whole life. One of the interesting part is the author suggested us to go for marriage in the mid of 20s. The reason is that marriage is not for building a life after you get the maturity (the wrong perception that most of us have). Instead, marriage itself is a process that speed the maturity. In marriage, there is a process of building commitment, aligned the communication, and many other space to grow. The author suggest from his research that a couple that married in their mid 20s has a bigger probability to success their marriage as they go through the maturity process together.
From those reasons, I get even bigger picture that Marriage is more than just about the process of a being on duty as a wife and husband, but it's more into a learning process to build & grow a place we always called a "Home".
That things would finally changed my mind to marry someone in such a young age.
PART 2: BEYOND YOUR CONTROL
Unfortunately, when you talked about marriage, it's not only about you and him. The little part of it will be much affected by something that beyond your control.
Let say, financial condition and family support.
I would like to suggest to carefully consider it, but don't take it too much. You will be struggle to find the perfect timing if you are too perfectionist on these things.
1. For financial rules, I would suggest to discuss as much as you could with the experienced.
Previously, I talked to Laras & A Ardi to discuss my fear in financial condition after marriage. Most of us think too complicated when it comes to Marriage. In fact, it's actually not. What you need is make it simple and works for both of you. You should aligned the framework on financial things between you and him. And keep in mind that there is something beyond our logic,
"Rezeki untuk kebaikan mah pasti ada, kan kita ada tuhan, Allah. Yang penting kita masih realistis" I always believe that if we pursue something for the sake of the goodness, there is always a way. So, don't make it too complicated. Make your plan realistic and actionable :)
Financial rules standard (Viani & Syaif's Version):
Able to at least make a living for you and your husband, and saving enough money for the emergency. The calculation would be much different based on how you decide your lifestyle.
2. For family support, every couple will face different challenge.
I could not comment or give any suggestion, as maybe it's not relevant to you. What I can say on this matters is"Keep praying" & "Focus on urgent matters". Most of the time, what I heard from some couples who has family conflict in the process of their marriage is not really an urgent matters (e.g culture debate of wedding reception). For those matters, take it easy and slow down. Again, ask or reach out to the people that has previous experience like this. If there is a will, there is a way. What you need is only being patient and ask help from the experienced.
THE END OF THE STORY
Once you get your financial standard fulfilled and both families give you a green light, there is no such thing that will hold you back. However, you still have to focus on the most important part that should be highlighted which is finding someone right, someone that could take away your fear of marriage & ready to grow with you in several years ahead. When you find someone right (in sya Allah amin), you could see more possibilities on everything that previously thought as an impossible.
Pretty much like Jason Mraz say in his song:
I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck Wherever you are Whenever it's right You'll come out of nowhere and into my life
And I know that we can be so amazing And baby your love is gonna change me And now I can see every possibility mmm And somehow I know that it'll all turn up And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out And I promise you, kid, I'll give so much more than I get mum I just haven't met you yet
Yes baby, I'm not ready for marriage, because I just haven't met you yet :)
Good luck! Hope you soon find the right person & perfect timing for marriage.